Massive discovery in soberish via naltrexone, day two. This drug effectively and immediately has stripped away alcohol's biggest lie; Drinking is FUN, everything is OK, lets have more fun!"
Many of you won't understand that lie. You don't hear it. You don't feel it in your bones when you drink. You just feel a nice gentle relaxation, an appreciation of the taste of the cocktail in your hand. For you, a couple of drinks are not an invitation to change your entire mood, they're not a promise to escape your everyday stress.
Self-medicating for everyday-anxieties? Well, check. And I didn't even realize it. Because I wasn't an everyday drinker, why would I frame it that way? But that realization came hard and fast last night when I again attempted to get what "I" would've called a buzz. But two drinks were it. The lies are stripped away, with two days and $2.46 worth of medication and I can't help but think of a line from Coming Undone, by Korn.
Choke, choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end.
They're out to get me.
My brain had other things to say to me when I pondered the second drink. Things maybe I couldn't hear over the din before. "Hmm, but do you really want it?" "Is it worth the calories?" "This is actually a pretty good stopping point, stop and feel the slight relaxation in your upper arms and shoulders, right now..." "You have to clean the kitchen." (Shut up, brain, I'm not the only one in this damn house.)
Third drink? Nope. Not happening.
So I can understand why 78% of those taking the medication daily either moderate to less than ten drinks a week, or quit drinking altogether. Apparently I'm part of the 78%, for now, at least.
Food update: Yeah, seems to work on the same pleasure sensors, for sure. I had the Texan-iest of Texan dinners last night; Frito Pie.
This hot mess (literally) is Fritos smothered in chili (preferably homemade or Wolf Brand, Hot, No Beans), cheese, chopped onions and jalapenos. It's white trash, softball season, Friday Night Lights glorious. And to someone who has been strictly low-carbing since January but is upping her carbs intentionally, those 18 carbs of weird, crunchy salty deliciousness promised to be awesome.
My serving size was small to start with (for me, anyway), I hadn't eaten anything since a fried egg and piece of bacon for lunch (also lighter than usual, usually I'd do 2 & 2), but I ended up scraping about 3 tablespoons into the dog's bowl. Now it's not like 3 tablespoons is some grand measure. But it was 3 tablespoons I just didn't want. I was done. That's also two nights in a row something's just been different. Make of it what you will.
Side effect log: None so far
And finally because I think it's necessary to add: I am in no way affiliated with the makers of Naltrexone (I take the generic) nor am I compensated in any way other than the deep irritation of having "Alcohol Abuse" as part of my permanent physician's record. :\ And of course the satisfaction of being a Pubmed guinea pig for your amusement.
This is in no way to be taken as medical advice, as I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on the internet.
And word to the wise: If you plan to speak to your doctor, or friends and family, about this.. plan to get some pushback, some mentions of "If you have a problem isn't it time to stop altogether..." etc. Stay vigilant. It's not on the FDA restricted list, it's approved for moderating OR quitting, and you might want to consider printing out more information so you have it in hand. Don't rely on your phone or your memory.